Who the king piece in the chess game?

Slick Rick - Underwear is Wet


Today is my sister's birthday. Happy birthday Jordana. A little while ago she wrote a top ten of 2007 list for me that was at least half rap music which was, of course, no surprise to me since we share an apartment, and I heard her listening to these songs for months, some of them for years. A few years ago she lived in a Philly apartment crowded out with all of my records. She made the best of it, running through piles of 12"s and assembling genius mixtapes. When I showed up to the fort she had made out of cardboard sleeves and dirty clothes we spent weeks laughing and freaking out over songs. Barely letting two verses of Biggie songs play out before we shoved Foster Sylvers onto the turntable, followed quickly by "If I Had No Loot." It had been a minute since we had seen each other, and the themes that emerged in her hasty playbacks nudged me to ask if she had discovered the Slick Rick white label in the shelves with the B-side "Underwear is Wet", claiming that it was the exact sort of misogyny that she appreciated.

In the late 90s I lived in Portland Oregon and there were so few stores to buy rap records that I ended up figuring out the internet so that I could keep up. It turned out a good thing, because between sandboxautomatic.com and hiphopsite.com I found a ton of weird stuff that barely made it to stores beyond midtown Manhattan and Los Angeles. When Slick Rick was released from prison in 1998, I obsessively fantasized about how great his comeback record would be. I think it must've been in 1999 when this 12" came out, listed on one of those sites as "I Sparkle" b/w "Underwear is Wet" which is funny since the 12" only says "I Sparkle (clean version)" on one side and "I Sparkle (dirty version)" on the other. "Sparkle" is a Large Professor produced cut that's confident, easygoing and steady graciousness, the kind of thing that Jay-Z's grown man rap music should've aspired to. But "Underwear" was the real winner, a fearsome battle track with him twisting and turning over a ridiculously simple beat that basically flips the "there's a place in france where the naked ladies dance" theme.

The song is full of quoteables, nearly every line hits with that hurt-your-feelings sharpness, but Rick sounds nonchalant and grinning the whole time, so clearly in control of the situation. I think it was that era where everyone started describing MCs as sounding "hungry" and it was a sound I was very compelled by but on "Underwear is Wet" Slick Rick outdid the hunger of Shabaam Sahdeeq or Ill Bill or whatever it was by sounding well fed but a gourmand, like he was just eating for the taste of it. Appreciating the flavor of demolished MCs. Quick favorite punchlines:

"my record will be barking all through your broke project" "if a rapper wants to eat he better never cry battle" "put you and your family on welfare"

And then of course the chorus, which features the eye-widening, nudge-your-friend-in-disbelief line which made me think my sister would love the song so much: "no period and still have to put a pad on." Always with the grin on his face, I can't think of another rapper who you can so clearly hear his smile while he's rapping.

Jordana and I have secretly fought over this 12" for years. I have no count of how many times it's changed hands over the years. Always without a word or discussion. It's just suddenly gone one day, and then the next time I see her I sneak it into the bag with whatever I just bought. I think we've both looked for extra copies on the internet but never with any luck, the fact that it doesn't say "Underwear is Wet" anywhere on the record doesn't help. A year or so ago Cocaine Blunts aka the gold standard of talking about rap records on the internet ran an entry on Slick Rick rarities that had some gems but both of these songs were absent. "I Sparkle", by the way, did surface on the "Wild Wild West" soundtrack but as far as I know "Underwear is Wet" has been hidden forever. Anyway, it's now here and on her computer so no matter what happens to the 12" we can always hear a favorite.